Comedy Corner

[Chris]

The Irish Banker's Accounting Committee has announced some new accounting Acronyms:

EBIT = Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering

Ha ha, my company talks about EBIT all the time.

[Megan]

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

[Michael]

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

Which reminds me of a similar joke which I may have posted already, but I'm too tired to check:

"Doc, I keep dreaming about Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy"
"And how long have you been having those disney spells?"

[Quijote]

A dear friend of mine (pianist, he is) and fellow partner in musical crime (composition students we were) has sent me some jokes knocking 'cellists. I repeat them for your delectation here :

Q : How do you get 'cellists to play ff?
A : Mark the score pp expressivo.

Q : How do you get two 'cellists to play in unison?
A : Shoot one of them.

I suppose you all find that funny, do you?

[Quijote]

And so, in revenge, I have some anti-pianist jokes for my delectation.

Q : Why are piano keys in black and white?
A : Because pianists have no sense of (sotto voce : tone) colour.

Q : Why are pianists jealous of 'cellists?
A : Because 'cellists have something worth talking about between their legs.

Oh yes, I have many more where these come from.

[Chris]

Indeed, Phillip!

Q: How is lightning like a cellist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

[Quijote]

Revenge, cursèd violinist, is a plate best eaten cold ...

[Quijote]

My dear friend and partner in crime (see above) has had the nerve to send me this joke :
Q : How do you know when a 'cellist is playing out of tune?
A : When the bow is moving.

We will reply in due course.

[Michael]

I can't remember if I already posted this, and I can't be bothered checking.

Guy goes into the doctor.
Guy: I've been feeling very peculiar lately.
Doc: Can you describe the symptoms?
Guy: Huh? ..... sure .....Homer is bald and yellow and Marge has blue hair .....

[Bonn1770]

Music related!

It's humorous reading these two quotes in this order:

There is one god -- Bach -- and Mendelssohn is his prophet. -- Hector Berlioz

Berlioz is a regular freak, without a vestige of talent. -- Felix Mendelssohn

[Michael]

Right:

Jean-Paul Sartre visited a cafe and ordered a coffee. "Sugar, no cream" he stipulated. The waitress came back to inform him that they were out of cream. She asked: "Would it be okay without milk?"

[Quijote]

Right:

Jean-Paul Sartre visited a cafe and ordered a coffee. "Sugar, no cream" he stipulated. The waitress came back to inform him that they were out of cream. She asked: "Would it be okay without milk?"

Not bad. In Paris (in the existentialist 40s-50s, à la limite maybe even the early 60s) they never served coffee with cream. Maybe they did in Vienna, or perhaps Dublin. Who is to say?

[Quijote]

All this talk of "spirituality" on the main forum reminds me of a joke. Here it is :

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said : « Stop, don’t do it ! »
« Why shouldn’t I ? » he asked.
« Well, there’s so much to live for ! »
« Like what ? »
« Are you religious, or even spiritual ? »
He said « Yes ».
I said : « Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist ? »
« Christian. »
« Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant ? »
« Protestant. »
« Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist ? »
« Baptist. »
« Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord ? »
« Baptist Church of God. »
« Incredible. Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God ? »
« Reformed Baptist Church of God. »
« That’s incredible. Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Church of God, Reformation of 1915 ? »
He said : « Reformed Church of God, Reformation of 1915. »
I said : « Die, heretic scum, » and pushed him off the bridge.

[Quijote]

Apologies for the "christian" slant to the joke. You can of course adapt it to your various audiences, be they Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish or any other of the several hundred "belief systems" currently available.

[Michael]

Have you heard the one about the agnostic dyslectic insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog or not ...................