An Interview with Beethoven
This is an actual interview I read. I am not making this up.
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Ludwig Van Beethoven was relaxing on the beach at his estate in Antigua when News of the World caught up with him recently.
NW: How does it feel to be a clone?
LvB: Great. The main thing of course, is to be alive, you know. One cannot compose when dead.
NW: How do you see your relation to the original Beethoven?
LvB: Well, of course, I have his genetics, but not his exact personality and of course none of his memories. But I have been reading biographies, listening to the music, reading the scores, and getting myself ready to compose.
NW: You have released so far only a single-movement piano sonata which has gone to the top of the CD single pop charts. Also you are the download king. Does any this surprise you?
LvB: Not at all. The junk they have today cannot hold a place when real music is to be heard. I am of course grateful for the great monetary success of this CD single which has provided me this nice beach house and grounds.
NW: Is a tenth symphony in the offing?
LvB: There are sketches. I can say nothing except that it seems it will be a bit on the lighter side like all my even-numbered symphonies.
NW: To be followed by a more serious and dramatic eleventh?
LvB: You know, I don’t know about that. As a clone, a lot of my frustrations are removed. I can hear wonderfully. I have company (nodding in the direction of his girlfriend Anise sitting in a chaise-lounge nearby painting her toenails pink.) You see, life is not so bad for me now; I don’t know if fate will raise its head quite so stormily now. Of course, there is still global warming and this god-awful Jeb Bush administration…perhaps I shall have to hammer away at fate yet…
(We are briefly interrupted by a butler bringing the composer a refill vodka and tonic.)
NW: How does it feel to hear your favorite composer, Handel, with healthy hearing?
LvB: This is wonderful, wonderful (holding up his iPod). However, you know, I knew J.S. Bach only through a few piano works. This would be as if someone knew my work only thru the ‘Les Adieux’ sonata. Now that I know Bach’s complete works, the Masses, Passions, Cantatas, chamber works, the Chaconne, the Magnificat, the Musical Offering, on and on, it is endless, I must award him the palm. Handel is still very great, of course.
NW: Is your interest in Bach the reason for the polyphony in the new sonata?
LvB: Exactly, you are very intelligent for a tabloid reporter. I would have written more counterpoint if I had known more of Bach’s tremendous use of it.
NW: Have any composers who lived after you caught your interest?
LvB: Schubert is tremendous. To think that I could have been his friend and encouraged him, perhaps helped him make a living. It is a pity, sometimes now I almost cannot sleep at night thinking of it… but I take a Valium. This Wagner was very great. I love that stuff. The orchestration is terrific and I’m going to try some of this, especially the horns and the harps. The Ring is overrated though. And Brahms is also great. Perhaps they will clone these three if the experiment with me works out. Apart from them, I don’t get too excited…You must excuse me now. My masseur is here.
NW: Can you give your fans one parting word?
LvB: Do not waste time and energy on your nephew’s affairs... keep composing instead.
NW: Very few of your fans are composers.
LvB: Whatever they do, then. I cannot imagine what it is they all do, but forget about the nephew…also, do not get hung up on Handel…this one, on my Reference Site, Rod Corkin, he is too straitlaced. He should broaden his horizons, perhaps a do little relaxation therapy, maybe yoga, go skiing, whatever, to loosen his emotions, before listening to Bach, what he is missing!…that is all now, I must say Auf Wiedersehn!
The bronzed, athletic Beethoven picked up his drink, put on his sunglasses, and waving goodbye strolled away leisurely toward his cabana, followed by the lovely gum-chewing Anise.
[This message has been edited by Chaszz (edited 08-05-2005).]
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Ludwig Van Beethoven was relaxing on the beach at his estate in Antigua when News of the World caught up with him recently.
NW: How does it feel to be a clone?
LvB: Great. The main thing of course, is to be alive, you know. One cannot compose when dead.
NW: How do you see your relation to the original Beethoven?
LvB: Well, of course, I have his genetics, but not his exact personality and of course none of his memories. But I have been reading biographies, listening to the music, reading the scores, and getting myself ready to compose.
NW: You have released so far only a single-movement piano sonata which has gone to the top of the CD single pop charts. Also you are the download king. Does any this surprise you?
LvB: Not at all. The junk they have today cannot hold a place when real music is to be heard. I am of course grateful for the great monetary success of this CD single which has provided me this nice beach house and grounds.
NW: Is a tenth symphony in the offing?
LvB: There are sketches. I can say nothing except that it seems it will be a bit on the lighter side like all my even-numbered symphonies.
NW: To be followed by a more serious and dramatic eleventh?
LvB: You know, I don’t know about that. As a clone, a lot of my frustrations are removed. I can hear wonderfully. I have company (nodding in the direction of his girlfriend Anise sitting in a chaise-lounge nearby painting her toenails pink.) You see, life is not so bad for me now; I don’t know if fate will raise its head quite so stormily now. Of course, there is still global warming and this god-awful Jeb Bush administration…perhaps I shall have to hammer away at fate yet…
(We are briefly interrupted by a butler bringing the composer a refill vodka and tonic.)
NW: How does it feel to hear your favorite composer, Handel, with healthy hearing?
LvB: This is wonderful, wonderful (holding up his iPod). However, you know, I knew J.S. Bach only through a few piano works. This would be as if someone knew my work only thru the ‘Les Adieux’ sonata. Now that I know Bach’s complete works, the Masses, Passions, Cantatas, chamber works, the Chaconne, the Magnificat, the Musical Offering, on and on, it is endless, I must award him the palm. Handel is still very great, of course.
NW: Is your interest in Bach the reason for the polyphony in the new sonata?
LvB: Exactly, you are very intelligent for a tabloid reporter. I would have written more counterpoint if I had known more of Bach’s tremendous use of it.
NW: Have any composers who lived after you caught your interest?
LvB: Schubert is tremendous. To think that I could have been his friend and encouraged him, perhaps helped him make a living. It is a pity, sometimes now I almost cannot sleep at night thinking of it… but I take a Valium. This Wagner was very great. I love that stuff. The orchestration is terrific and I’m going to try some of this, especially the horns and the harps. The Ring is overrated though. And Brahms is also great. Perhaps they will clone these three if the experiment with me works out. Apart from them, I don’t get too excited…You must excuse me now. My masseur is here.
NW: Can you give your fans one parting word?
LvB: Do not waste time and energy on your nephew’s affairs... keep composing instead.
NW: Very few of your fans are composers.
LvB: Whatever they do, then. I cannot imagine what it is they all do, but forget about the nephew…also, do not get hung up on Handel…this one, on my Reference Site, Rod Corkin, he is too straitlaced. He should broaden his horizons, perhaps a do little relaxation therapy, maybe yoga, go skiing, whatever, to loosen his emotions, before listening to Bach, what he is missing!…that is all now, I must say Auf Wiedersehn!
The bronzed, athletic Beethoven picked up his drink, put on his sunglasses, and waving goodbye strolled away leisurely toward his cabana, followed by the lovely gum-chewing Anise.
[This message has been edited by Chaszz (edited 08-05-2005).]
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